Crazy Farm

Where, along the way, did I become a doormat for my son? I know he's 14 and has to assert his independence, but really???? Now I am a single mother, I have to work for us to eat and have a roof over our heads. But now my son thinks he needs to arrange my work schedule around his social activities. I can't work Thursdays because his girlfriend has volleyball games then and we HAVE to go. The weekends are out because you never know what will happen at any given moment. Oh, and why can't she come over when the guys come over? She's just a friend like them. I almost fell for this argument but then I realized, I can leave the house for a while when" just the guys are over". No work on Wednesdays or Fridays because of football games at school. I guess that leaves Monday and Tuesdays. "By the way, don't work on November 20th, I have plans" he tells me as he's going to bed last night.

I think I am going to go to the crazy farm today. I have traveled down that toad many times. I know my kids think I live there 24/7, and there's a possibility they might be right. Maybe I do have insane expectations. Like, you're not allowed to listen to Eminem, especially not the explicit versions. He doesn't talk like that in front of his own kids but I should let him talk like that to you?

Last night, laying in bed all I could was talk to Jesus and tell him exactly what was going on. See I must be crazy because He knows already. But I think it was my way of holding on to His hand even tighter and letting Him know, that I know I can't do this without Him.

You know I sent the boys off to visit with their dad, this doesn't happen often, that he wants to spend time with them. So I began praying for a healing in the boy's hearts, whatever God was going to do, that it would bring some peace to them as far as their father is concerned. Funny how I pray, thinking I know what is best for everyone and how God should handle things.

Little did I know, that He would use this opportunity to heal something in MY heart. I have forgiven my ex over and over, but I have never been able to freely love him again as a person. I thought that would be an impossibility. God is starting to untangle something in me. A way to love my ex, my children, and hopefully others in a brand new way. Letting those in my life be exactly who they are and not having to fix or change them. That's God's business, not mine. It doesn't mean I agree with what they do, but I can love them where they are. Isn't that what Papa does with me, he loves me right here and now. He knows that His work is not done, it's a process He has promised to complete in me.

He has a way of getting at things in my life, things I didn't know needed fixing...or at least wasn't high on MY list of priorities. Jesus knows better what I need and where to start......He's amazing like that, right?

A new beginning

I saw a post on one of my Fb friend's profile. In the post she spoke of her wedding anniversary celebration, 26 years. What an accomplishment. She continued to say that the greatest thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and differences and, in spite of it all, finds you absolutely amazing. I was immediately happy for her and her husband. It took a moment and then it sank in, I wish that were me. I wish I had still had that someone who thought I was amazing. Someone who would walk this life with me as a witness to all we had accomplished. Especially as we watched our children grow into their own persons, with their own thoughts and ideas they shared with us.

You see, this is not the case for me. I have been divorced for 6 years now, raising these two wonderful and challenging boys. This divorce was not my choice. I have come to live with this reality. I know it takes two to make it work or not, but when I'm the only one trying to make it work it doesn't get far.

In these 6 years I have grown tremendously. I have learned to walk on a new journey, one that is accompanied by Jesus. He found me at the very bottom and held my hand that night. He has continued to walk with me every step of the way. This is not the Jesus I grew up with in church on Sundays and holidays. He someone real and alive, someone that I didn't know existed like this, until that night. This is all so new but in some ways it's not. He's just showing me who He is in a different way. Leave it to Jesus, the One that made us all so different and unique, to have the same quality. Go figure.....

Jesus has done some amazing things in my life, things that never would have happened if I had still been married to the same man. I have come to know that He does make horrible situations a thing of beauty, something to be cherished. Believe me, it isn't pretty all the time, but I know He's with me even in the ugly. That makes it ok.

More and more I am impressed with how Jesus fills in the space that is created by being husbandless. Now I listen to love songs that used to send me on a downward spiral of guilt, loneliness, and longing and my heart beams with the knowledge of an unfailing love that will never leave me. Just listen to the lyrics from the song To Make You Feel My Love, I enjoy the version sung by Adele:

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you
I'd go crawling down the aisle for you
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

It reminds me that God knew me before the foundation of the world, He loved me then as He loves me now. What a comfort to know. I pray I can always live in that space, that is the challenge.